...to stay ... or quit... m i selfish?
Have been dreaming since young to work in an aeroplane. In my dreams, i never know other airlines(Jal, Emirates etc) except sia. Today my dream finally came true...I must admit i have been hiding from ppl of attending such interviews, to save myself from being ask about why did you try?? why din you got in etc etc...until yesterday i had no choice but to ask CSM for a morning half day. At first, she din allow coz i couldn't give her a reason 'solid' enough to justify why i need the off. I din want to mention it was for another job interview. Just cant afford to imagine what it'll be like if i din get thru.
After some analysis: I couldn't take MC cause i din want to give trouble to my poor shifu to come back from her off day, when she was suppose to prepare herself for a msia trip. And unfortunately, my partner was attending some training she couldn't cover me, and i suppose CSM already had an intention to put me on duty independently that day (although usually we work in pairs). There's really no other choice, so i tried msg-ing her during her training in afternoon "CSM, i really wish can take at least a half morning tmr. i tried to arrange a different day but they din not reply. Frankly speaking, i m trying for SIA n I ve got into final round of interview, really dun wan to miss the opportunity"
For hours, she din reply, and it kept me waiting nervously hoping for a positive answer. It was only until during evening that she msg back "You finally decided to tell me the truth. Are u sure abt this line. I hope u dun get the impression that this is a glamourous job."
For a moment i panick, thinking of how to ans her and I finally plucked up a slight courage to call her. During our conversation, my tears started flowing - not that the ans was negative - but this was what she says, " ...does ur bf agree, what abt ur studies.. i can see that current job suits you more and has more prospect for you. And the job you'r applying now is only for short term whereas the job in this bank is for longer term and career building. If you were to come back to banking industry, you will need to start all over again. Why do you want to forsake this 2yrs of achievement. Not that i wan to stop you, but these are my concern for you..." Those touching word from her just made me felt lost.
Me: "I know and have thought of it too. It might be short term, but still it's kind of achievement. I thought I may come back to the bank in future with at least some experience..... so can i go for tmr interview??"
CSM: "That goes back to square one: the question is 'do you want to do that'?"
Me: "Yes. I want to try. At least i tried."
CSM: "Since you have said so, and since you have given me the reason, do i have a choice?? can i say no?? "
Me: "... ...So can I??"
CSM: "...k.. i can't say no rite?...be back by afternoon.. .."
After the conversation, it was a relief to find a solution, it was a heartfelt pain. I fought for this half day off and i know i must treasure it.
True enough, although the final interview was a success, it leaves me in even worse situation - stay or quit. I returned to office as i promised, but only to see CSM "super unhappy" face. Though i may not have tender resignation, she had treated me as an outsider and when my officer asked if she could assign any job to me. "anyway she's joining sia, teach her for what? dun teach her!"
I felt so miserable... Shifu happen to msg me at the same time "I've told chk abt ur interview success and she's also happy for you!!"
I thought I should be happy den but I couldn't bear any longer, and i confessed "ijjit?? i felt hapi too on one side.. but equally pain on the other.. I knw since my ex-partner had trfs, CSM had open more ops to me..i find tat to leave is a very selfish decision(to ppl ard me). but i tot i could cum back in 2 or 3 yrs time.."
"i c.. i understand how u feel now.. But i want to tell tat don't be so negative thinking tat u r selfish to leave.. For them i think is sad tat u r leaving coz u r such a gd employee to them n me. u should explore urself so no regret in future. So no worries about how others think about u and be urself. have confident."
In deed, before my ex-partner was transfered, she's always the in charge, and often i'm being criticised for this and that. Often when in doubt, i tried to seek help which was nowhere to be found, and i will be pushed back to CSM. There was once that she was having bad day and i happened to be a scapegoat. Times were so bad that i always had this very... very... very... evil thought, and that is "If one day you really need me, i shall leave. And if i had to learn thru this hard way... i'll swear and curse those who gt their ways easy.. if they fall, i shall stand high n smirk at them..." BUT this isn't how I feel anymore!! I know CSM felt bad abt it too. Afterall she did tried to groom me... but it was abit late for me to ever use this knowledge to help her in rtn.
A sense of lost is how i felt now. The decision depends on how firm or soft i m on my stand. Dearest had not make any comment more than a simple "Congrats." The angel and devil is fighting in me, but my question is who is the devil and who is the angel?
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